Goodbye 25, I’m leaving.

Last week I had a chat with my bf which went like this.

Me : I’m 26 at the end of this month which means I’m almost 30. Yuck.
Bf: hahahaaha, ah please. You’re a spring chicken
Me : 30 Ci, 30.
Bf: Yes and 10 years ago you were 16 and in 10 years time you will be 36.
Me : Ya but I don’t want saggy boobs. And getting older just means the time between now and peeing in my pants a little every time I laugh is a little bit shorter. Will you love me when I have to wear adult diapers?
Bf: Stop itttttt. You are so young. And black don’t crack. And you can buy new boobs if you really want.

It was time for a pep talk. So I gave myself one that went a bit like this.

Get over it. Really, get over it. You’re going to be 26 not 2000. So stop being ridiculous.

Spend more time looking at the world, exploring it and less time in front of the mirror.

Remember last week when you found that 1 hair that you swear was super super light blond? Er, no it wasn’t. It was GREY. And its fine. And you will live.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. NOTHING. Jan 31st will just keep coming round to make you older. Pretty much until you die.

So stop being a big baby about being an old lady.

And with that I stopped the big pity party and decided to reflect on this last year.

Of all of my teachers, the age 25 I’m pretty sure will go down as the greatest. Oh 25 you were hard on me. But you were good to me. How you made my head spin, my steps quicken and re-orchestrated the beat of my heart because the old slow heavy thud could never match up to the quickened pace of this year as day by day so many of my dreams came true.

25 the year of goodbyes.
Breaking off of all the little pieces of me that no longer could serve the world. 25 was also the year of saying goodbye to myself, to the 24 year old self. It was the year of chipping and knocking away at the exterior while refocusing on the things of the inner. trust. forgiveness. passion.

25 the year of jumping.
This was the year I realized that you cannot sit around with a cup of tea and wait for life to just work itself out. For things to happen. You have to go for the things you threatened to chase. You have to point yourself in a new direction. 25 was about taking dreams and exporting them into plans, goals and to do lists.

25 was the year of realizing I wanted to be Hazel Grace.
The kind of girl who lets a few in long enough to let them build a forever out of a bundle of counted days. The friend who doesn’t ever throw in the towel. The friend you can call and say “Hey can we sit on your bed and drink wine and talk for a bit, i think I need that  kind of thing tonight.”

25 was a year of gathering cheerleaders.
Digging out all the people who are relentless for my heart and keeping them close. Victories will arrive with failures in their bags. And many will tell you that work and money and pretty things trump flesh and bones. But they’re wrong. Your cheerleaders. They’re the ones who will keep you marching. Thank them. Keep them close. They’ll stuff you full of life.

26. I’m ready.
A year of the simple things — you and someone else having a party the rest of the world didn’t need to know about. A year of exploring and adventuring. A year of living without a net, cutting the harness. 26 will be lovely. It will be splendid, wrinkles and all.

Jenna Jay x

Leaps and Bound….aries

There’s this feeling that comes over you. It rushes over you. When you realize that you have a single pair of hands. Just 2 feet. And 1 mouth. That there are only so many waking hours. That the week is made of just 7 little days.

And its not times fault. Oh no. I’m tired of time always getting the blame. Its not like Thursday wakes you up in the middle of the night and goes “Hey today I’m going to be 18hours long, so deal.”

Its that I’m realizing that I’m just one person. And that our hearts were never meant to be pulled in this many directions. And Its not selfish to slow down when we realize this big fat truth that our bodies and our hearts and minds, spread out this thin, hurts more souls than it helps.

I need boundaries. I always reserved boundaries to the party of things I need to break. To the stuff that keeps me from having fun. But here I am setting them up knowing that I need to if I really want to be happy and whole and stampede forward in my professional and personal life.

We go to sleep scrolling through our timelines and wake up checking our mails. And we’re all just starting our days exhausted and influenced by about 6000 dirty little social fingerprints. And it all just gets a little much some times. Most times.

Our iPhones now control us. We take authentic moments and we swap them with a presence that if we’re honest is half baked and two dimensional.

Be the boss of your time. Set up your own levels of expectation for others.
Put your “office hours” in your signature.
Let people know that every now and again that you do in fact feed your soul, with hiking and Geordie Shore.

And with this I’m birthing a life that will no longer let me be dictated by the glow of a screen.

Office Hours (M-F) 08h30-18h00
Email checking only starts after 08h00 and ends 19h00. No excuses.
Social Media-ing Stops after 19h30

Unplug. Go play outside. Give yourself space to generate new ideas.

Fresh air, tangible stuff, and warm bodies are good for us.

Jenna Jay x

How to love (step by step edition)

You see I have this friend.
Lets call him M. Now M has found H and M likes H more than he has offered to show H. M is scared and he ought to be because this love thing is kinda hard and all kinds of messy.

But the craziness of this all is M is asking me how. How to start and then how to never end.

You see I have never thought of myself as someone who understands love. So I’m grasping at all my little straws and hoping that I can knit something together, and it will probably have holes because well l always drop stitches but I hope it gives M some warmth.

So I said goodbye to M and I logged out of Skype after promising him that I would send my “How to love (step by step edition)” and so this is what I’ve managed to assemble.

1. Say it.
Loudly. Clear. Use as many words as you need. Use more than enough. Tell her only when you can see her pretty eyes and the dimple on her cheek. Tell her in the most expensive way. No whatsapps, no texts no shields of technology. Tell her when you feel that you can’t string together any sentences and your voice trembles and you hands are clammy with fear. Even when she may say no. Tell her.

2. Stick to it.
…and for goodness sake don’t go back. Don’t go back to playing games. To being friends. To keeping it bottled up. If she is smart, and I know you like them smart, then she will know that when one person is willing and happy to give up universes and galaxies for the other and travel to the ends of the earth for a hello and a hug. That’s not friendship. That’s messy crazy stupid love and so worth it when you both run into it with your arms spread wide. So if she shouts no make you sure you don’t whisper friendship. Because you and I both know your feelings aren’t hitchhiking out of your heart.

3. You fight and you stay.
You stay when money is tight. When the honeymoon period is no longer honeymoonish. When work days get long. When life gets unfair. When arguments happen. When …when…..when. You stay. You breathe in, you suck it up and you work it out. The 2 of you, together.

4. Hold her.
Her hand. Her heart. You get wrapped up in her. All the parts of her. The dreams the fears the secrets she has saved just for you. These things are the duct tape to the story of us and we. No longer you and her.

5. You believe in her.
you decide before step 1 that you will be her greatest cheerleader with the biggest pom poms and the loudest cheer. You put on your gumboots and you help her dig up the mud of doubts and fears that has trapped her driveway so that she can get out of her garage and explore. But when life gets too much and she feels like she no longer can take it and curls up on the ground you go back to the last step. You hold her.  But don’t stop there. You know she wasn’t made for the floor. You piggy back her while she gathers her breathe and then you make her get up and walk. And then run.

6. Be good to her.
You be good to her, you make her smile. That’s it. That’s all. If ever you need a starting point or a full stop it’s this: You be good to her. Forever. Always.

I love you M. Good luck and Good Love.

Love Jen x