Totes Cas’ (Dating in 2016)

2 things have fundamentally changed the direction of our dating lives.

Mielies and the internet.

In the agricultural revolution we stopped moving around which lead to the formalisation of marriage. However, with the penetration of the internet into our daily lives things have changed slightly. And when I say slightly I mean all together.

The age old path of finding someone through mutual friends/family/proximity then moving onto courting and finally marriage is a little (lot) different these days.

From my understanding of the dating game this is the order of things:

1. “We’re talking”

The word talking in this phrase actually means texting. This may include face to face talking however this is not a requirement. But sending pictures of your boobs, thats critical.

2. “We’re vibing”

We think we may potentially be interested in each other, sometimes we even kiss but were just friends though. Also you are absolutely allowed to “vibe” with anyone else, like we’re just friends. FRIEEEEEEENDS. Did I mention we’re friends?

3. “We’re hanging out”

This one has way more face to face time but also body to body. This may include something as wild as sitting across the table from another person and like sharing your interests and stuff. No meeting my friends or family though. But you’re definitely meeting my little friend (Also known as the D/Cockasaurus Rex/Eathworm Jim/King Dong).

4. “We’re seeing each other”

Woah shit just got real. I am both spending time with you AND also telling people about it. Holy shitballs. At this point you need to stop having intercourse with other people but you can maybe still keep your Tinder account. Like we can discuss it. I don’t really care. Even though I actually totally care. You know what… ITS FINE.

5. “We’re dating”

Okay we’re doing this thing. You’re my boyfriend. I’m your girlfriend.

(Not sure how I am going to actually deal with all this loyalty and dependability and vulnerability and you having my back thing but I suppose I’ve gotta settle down at some point?)

6. “We’re FBO”

YOUR PENIS IS MINE. ALL MINE. EVERYONE KNOWS ITS MINE. EVEN THAT PERSON I NEVER SPOKE TO AT SCHOOL BUT FOR SOME REASON I PUT UP WITH SEEING THEIR 700 POSTS OF THEIR KID BECAUSE OF SOME WEIRD GUILT I MAY FEEL FOR DELETING SOMEONE I SHARED THE SAME BUILDING WITH FOR 5 YEARS.

Oh and your heart. Thats mine too.

The modern dating game is weird.

The art of dating successfully these days is made up of two people who actually like each other showing just enough interest in the other (but without showing too much) via at least 20minute apart text messages and occasional emojis. Yes, the most effective way of attracting someone is to pretend you actually don’t really care all too much about them. (I use the word “art” very loosely here, it includes things like finger painting and Jean bedazzling.)

With Apps like Tinder getting laid is as easy as ordering a pizza, except the pizza has boobs and her name is Heather. Dating Apps and online dating have changed. Gone are the days of Kathleen and Frank sending each other lovingly scribed emails. A simple “Wanna bang *winking smiley face*” will do.

It’s rare for a woman to find a guy who treats them like a priority instead of an option because lets be honest if there is one thing he has its options. Not villages or cities or countries full, he has an entire internet full of options. And thats a lot of options. But don’t say this shit out loud because heaven forbid you believe in love. Ugh, you’re so weak. Also you’re a feminist you don’t need no man gurrrrl.

It’s not just men though. Nuh uh. Ladies I see you cashing in your tinder foodstamps. That guy who has been nagging for a date who suddenly becomes way more appealing on the 23rd of the month when you’re only other option is canned tuna, 2 Salticrax and half a bag of raisins while watching ex on the beach. Not cool.

Guys, it’s all fun and games but what about jealousy, and sexism, and self esteem and that dimly flickering chance that somebody might fall in love?

(Also please stop with the dick pics.)

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2 thoughts on “Totes Cas’ (Dating in 2016)

  1. “With Apps like Tinder getting laid is as easy as ordering a pizza, except the pizza has boobs and her name is Heather.” #lovedthissentence

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